The United Colon Vlog

September 12, 2011 will mark the day that for the first time in over 4 years I was told by Dr. Ludwig, I am disease free. Date noted–it’s burned in my brain. The feelings of this profound moment get to wash over me for a minute while I savor the truth of such statement. I am disease free. (I whispered it to myself to hear it again and again inside my head just to make sure). I am not in remission. I was not “cured.” No, I paid for this moment. I paid huge. I paid with the removal of a huge part of my intestinal tract just to get to this place in my life. I paid with more than 4 years of my existence and drastic surgical measures to live my now “new normal” as a permanent ostomate. I still have Crohn’s disease, I still have a lifetime of treatment, and I have lost a lot just to win this one moment. But, yes–I WON this moment, I can enjoy it. I WILL enjoy it. I deserve this! But first, I cried.

I cannot describe to you the feeling of elation mixed with deep sadness and how both wash over you in a moment like this. Mourning and grief mixed with excitement and happiness make for a weird combination of running emotions. How can one not feel or not cry??

Our Last Office Visit

I had my permanent ostomy surgery on September 2, 2011. Recovery for me has gone fairly well other than a couple of setbacks that I am working on overcoming each day. It’s nothing alarming or anything that would delay my healing; I am sure just typical post-surgery issues. However, before heading back to Texas, I had to be cleared by my surgeon, Dr. Kirk Ludwig. So before leaving the hospital, a follow-up appointment was set for 10 days following surgery.

I arrived at my appointment with mixed feelings. This was going to be my last appointment with Dr. Ludwig. From this point on I would follow-up in Texas with his former colleague Dr. Dale Burleson, with whom I was referred to from Dr. Ludwig-they worked together at Cleveland Clinic. I did my research, and Dr. Ludwig is putting me into good hands.

The night before this appointment, I pictured this meeting in my mind. I wanted to tell Dr. Ludwig how much he means to me. I wanted to thank him for saving my life, for walking with me through years of my journey, for his skill as a surgeon, for taking such good care of me, for years of ups and downs, for his bedside manner, for his friendship and sense of humor, for all the diagrams he drew for me to make me understand the surgeries, for spending time with me answering a million questions over the years, for handling all my rational and irrational fears, for agreeing to give me the perfect stoma if I have to live with it for the rest of my life, and for telling me that I have no chub to remove when I told him that when he does my surgery if there is any excess fat in there that he could remove it and I would be totally okay with it. HA! I wanted to thank him for letting me trust him-which was not easy, and for trying everything in his power to GIVE. ME. MY. LIFE. How does one even find words?

Thank You, From My Heart

When we met this last time it was business as usual. He began to examine my incisions, my new ostomy, and my bottom. He was checking all to make sure I was healing properly. He told me everything looked pretty good. My ostomy, still swollen, will change over the next several weeks as well as my swollen abdomen, so there’s not too much to worry about that. Then he said that I was disease FREE. I asked him, “Am I disease free?” Oh, goodness! It was almost too unbelievable to fathom. He said, “Yeah, for now you are, and Nadia, now you have to stay that way.” Then he smiled his unique Dr. Ludwig smile that I have become accustomed to over the years. I looked at his eyes. He was telling me truth. I could tell.

We talked for a little bit and then, with all the strength I could muster, I began to express my feelings of how much he meant to me. But I could not control the rush of emotion. I began to get choked up. It all came flooding forth. “You saved my life Dr. Ludwig. You walked with me and comforted me, reassured me and gave me a gift that not many people get back when things are so bleak. I know that I had to pay a huge price, but it was a fair trade-off for having to live with this miserable disease. I hope that I can keep my disease away and make all of our hard work to get me to this better place worth it. I want to make you proud of me.” Dr. Ludwig modestly took my compliments, gently reassured me it was going to be okay. I fumbled in my purse for a thank you card I wanted to give him. I stood to give him a hug and embraced him fully, something I rarely do, but he deserved a full hug. I had nothing else to give. I squeezed my eyes tight to hold back all the tears. I asked him for a picture to remember him by. He happily agreed. That was our last time together. I told him, I will come by someday to say “Hey.” Maybe one day when I am happily married, successful, and toting a baby on my hip, I will stop by and show him a happy ending. I want to have my happy ending. I want it all. Now I can let it all happen…

Keep your face to the sunshine, and you will not see the shadows. ~Helen Keller

Until we meet again,
~Nadia

Dr. Ludwig and Nadia