The United Colon Vlog

Last year, I wrote this “Property Review” of my body. This is a metaphorical essay. I was having a particularly difficult series of things that were going wrong at that time, so I decided to write a review as if I was being reviewed by a critic. This is sort of a satire about all of my body issues. It helped me try to accept some of the things that were happening at that time…

Originally written: Wednesday, July 15, 2009 at 11:48am
I’m writing a review of the property belonging to Nadia Deane.. More specifically, My body. I have to rate this property a 2.5 stars. It’s not the worst, but truly it’s not the best. As I have resided in the property for more than 18 years, I have come to learn all its faults and highlights, and I would like to share my thoughts about it.

-First, the birds eye view of the world is blurry without corrective lenses to make things clearer.
-The plumbing is substandard due to deterioration. Most of the piping had to be removed. However, the reconstruction has proven effective with one drawback, most of the sewage runs through quite quickly. Not necessarily a bad thing..
-The structural foundation is somewhat weak. Many creaks and cracks can be heard and felt throughout the property. The property joints have aged prematurely, however, I find this adds character :-)
-The landscaping needs to be tended to, but with work and time the look can be beautiful.
-It’s a small property but quaint.
-Accessing parts of the property may be difficult as there has been a large foreign object that has most recently created a pile up of clotted natural debris on Left Arm Avenue. Scientists believe this is called a Picc Line Diversion which runs from Cephalic Road all the way to Subclavian Way. There is a detour that will reroute you for 6 months. The construction workers are poking hard to get the obstruction out of the way. However they have damaged Liver Boulevard in their quest to remove the road block. This is the most recent drawback to this property.
-Pancreatic Place has been remodeled in the past year and work still needs to be done to complete its renovation, but it has been left alone for the time being.
-Now, for some highlights: The heart of this property beats strong especially with the love and attention of the heart’s most recent occupant. Mr. Raza Sabzwari has taken quite good care of it and treats it with the utmost love and respect with all his hard work. He keeps the heart beating strong and true which quite makes up for the imperfections in other areas of this property. It’s the charm of this entire place. It’s inviting and full of love. So much so all visitors can feel its affects.
-$5000 investment has been put into the mouth of the property. Tourists love this sight, the spectacular view of this investment is the happiest part of the property.
-The roof of this property is very strong. It was with calculated effort that the smartest of all investments went into this brainchild. With cultivating research to build its strength, the brain of this property will have a long life as investments will continue to be made.

Note: the two creators of this property who established it more than 18 years ago, feel terrible about all the damages. However, they work tirelessly and lovingly toward its upkeep.

Journaling helps me to vent a lot of the feelings I have. If you would like to share ways that help you deal with everything, leave a comment or email me at Nadia@UCVlog.com and let me know!

“Words alone cannot fully convey the realities of the soul or the greatness of the human spirit.” ~William Shirley
~Nadia